3/27

Admitting to past mistakes is never easy ... or that's what the people who aren't always right keep telling you.

3/24

The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space
- the onion

3/22

"Avoiding showering is not an acceptable form of contraceptive" Thanks 7th grade sex ed.

3/21

Business is dead. Given you quit the coffin factory years ago, this is not a good thing.

3/19

Visualize it and it will come true. Yes, this is a plug for Lasik. Lenscrafters is so 1980s.

3/17

There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
- the onion

3/16

A wise man old said, "If it were easy everyone would do it." Now wipe your tears and go practice for that chubby bunny contest.

3/15

"Deny thy father and refuse thy name." Caution, this is safe only if protected by welfare and family services. Otherwise, may want to go home for dinner.

3/14

You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
- the onion

3/13

Make like a frog, eat what bugs you.

3/11

If an earthquake hits, you need to split.

3/10

You’ll develop the ability to bottle time this month, don’t add alcohol.

3/9

You might want to pack your bags, for all indications are that you're going on a trip. Alice in Wonderland, here you come

3/8

Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
-the onion

3/7

You find out this week that all your better ideas (that you think are new and interesting) have already been done. Except that whole idea about transporting seeds to China through the earth to avoid shipping costs. Yeah.

3/6

After weeks of setbacks, false-alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4 ounce kidney stone this Friday.
- The onion